Ahmadinejad's Visit to Lebanon: The Top 10 Possible Outcomes (Mikdashi)

Maya Mikdashi writes for the satirical blog "Tough Niece" on the website Jadaliyya:

10. Upon hearing Ahmadinejad’s footsteps in Lebanon, [former Israeli Prime Minister] Ariel “Arik” Sharon rises from his coma long enough to learn that Iran is still on the road to becoming the second country in the Middle East to have a nuclear weapon after Israel. He has another stroke. Round two for Ahmadinejad.

9. Upon meeting Ahmadinejad at a fundraiser for Hezbollah, Lebanese-American Miss USA 2010 Rima Faqih assassinates him, flies back to Iran and stages a coup branded by Saatchi and Saatchi  as  "From Wilayat al Faqih to Wilayet al Al-Faqih.” President Faqih makes high heels, manicured nails, and makeup mandatory in Iran. Western feminists and [French President] Nicolas Sarkozy rejoice.

8. Upon throwing a rock at Occupied Palestine from the Lebanese border, Ahmadinejad misses and the rock falls with stunning force into no-man’s land. Oil begins to gush forth from where the rock landed. Immediately, Israel and Lebanon sign a peace deal brokered by Iran. An oil pipeline is built from Tehran to Haifa. Capitalism wins. Again. Yay.

7. Upon having a 64-plate mezza dinner at Mounir restaurant with Said Akl, Patriarch Sfeir and the Ghost of Gibran Khalil Gibran, Ahmadinejad has an epiphany and is overwhelmed by the superiority of the Phoenician/Lebanese civilization vis-à-vis the Persian. He skips his visit to the South of Lebanon, flies back to Tehran and stages a coup. He replaces Shiite clergy with Shiite, Sunni, Jewish, Baha’i, Zoroastrian, and Chaldean clergy. God Bless Lebanese-style secularism.

6. Upon viewing Ahmadinejad, Lebanese women are overcome by his supercalifragilisticexpialidocious magic and begin donning the chador en masse. The UN Security Council convenes.

5. Upon viewing Ahmadinjead, self-identified Lebanese homosexuals are overcome by his supercalifragilisticexpialidocious magic and realize that they are agents of Western imperialism and Zionism. They promptly get married to members of the opposite sex while continuing to have same-sex contact but not identifying as homosexual as such. The Sheikh of al Azhar, the Ghost of Jerry Falwell, and Pope Benedict rejoice.

4. Upon swimming in the Mediterranean and skiing in the Cedars on the same day, Ahmadinejad realises that Iranian women are just not as pretty as Lebanese women, nor is the rest of the scenery. He resigns, moves to Lebanon, and buys a villa in Brummana next to Mounir restaurant. The people of Iran rejoice. The residents of Brummana are worried that another Muslim foreigner who dresses as if he is from the “lower classes” has moved in. Op-eds are written in Al-Nahar about threats to the "sectarian balance" in Lebanon.

3. Upon flying to Beirut, Ahmadinejad’s plane misses Lebanon (it's so small, after all) and lands in Damascus.

2. Upon meeting with [Lebanese Prime Minister] Saad Hariri, [Hezbollah leader] Hassan Nasrallah, Samir Geagea, and Michel Aoun, Ahmadinejad realizes that Lebanese politics is just really, really f***ed up and goes home.

1. Israel, with US backing, takes the opportunity of Ahmadinejad’s visit to Lebanon to launch (another) devastating war on Lebanon. After all, presidents of sovereign nations should not have the right to visit other states when invited by that state’s president if that visit might “provoke” Israel. Arab heads of state convene the Arab league over coffee and belly dancers and issue strong statements against the “Israeli aggression”. Ahmadinejad flies home on a private jet. Lebanon is plunged into a civil war and an Israeli occupation. Again.