US Politics Special: A Pizza-Based Foreign Policy Lesson for Herman Cain

Herman, if you must compare foreign policy to pizza-making...keep reading

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Presidential candidate Herman Cain is having a really tough time these days. There are allegations of sexual harassment, perhaps some campaign finance issues, and a campaign ad that has been legendary not for Cain's qualities but for its inadvertent contribution to the heights of comedy.

Then, there’s Cain's "dys dys dys func tion al al al" foreign policy.

Being an avid pizza guy myself –-- both eating them and making them --- I understand his pain. Here’s a guy who, as head of the Godfather's empire, is used to creating jobs and feeding your hunger for the best thing that Italy has ever offered (besides Jersey Shore, of course). Most of his productive life has revolved around using the amazing powers of pizza for the good of mankind. 

But when pizza becomes such an intimate part of your life, it makes it difficult for you to grasp complicated issues unless they involve a stuffed crust and your choice of many additional toppings. So I figured that, since I know a thing or two about Islamic countries and I also have experience in all things pizza, I’d try to explain to Herman how to handle those nations in terms we both understand. 

Morocco and Algeria: Just some dough

Assign unknown State Department officials on them until someone starts making them into pizzas, then you can start worrying.

Somalia and Sudan: Dried Crust Crumbs

Moving along… Quickly.

Tunisia: Pizza Still in the Oven

Don't judge it too quickly; remain skeptical until it comes out and can be actually taste it. You can then decide whether it needs more toppings or whether the cheese is rancid.   

Libya: Burnt Pizza 

Listen to the Zenga Zenga remix of Muammar Qaddafi's speeches until they make a new one. Meanwhile, you can quietly keep plucking the sausages that are not burnt. 

Egypt:  Re-made Pizza

The cheese was old so they scraped it off with help from the sauce. But now the damn SCAF* sauce won’t come off the dough, so they can begin making a new one.

(*Copyright --- Supreme Council of the Armed Forces)

Qatar: Pizza with Anchovies on It

It’s not that bad, if you can ignore the AJ* anchovies. They’re exposing the real face of the other pizzas to the rest of the world with their smell, and nobody likes that. 

(*Copyright --- Al Jazeera)

Bahrain: Hawai’ian Pizza

Ham makes up the majority of the toppings, but your taste buds can only feel the pineapple chunks since that’s what sweetens the deal for you.

Lebanon, Jordan: Gyro

You’re a pizza guy! Forget the gyros are even on the menu.

Turkey: Beef Pepperoni Pizza

Here’s a halal pizza trying to pretend it's not. Ask the pizzeria owner to replace it with either pork pepperoni or beef nuggets, otherwise ya ain’t eatin’ it.  

Kurdistan: Pizza by the Slice

This is a pretty big pizza, with lotsa toppings, but they’ve cut it up and won’t let anybody put it back together. 

Syria: Face Down on the Floor Pizza

You know how you walk into a pizzeria sometimes and an unfortunate pizza has fallen off the counter and gone topping side down on the concrete with red sauce splattered all over the place?

This is it. Pretend it doesn’t exist until someone cleans it up. Never mind the fact that some of the toppings have hopped onto the Half and Half Pizza, making it taste bad.

Israel and Palestine: Half and Half Pizza

It was supposed to be half and half, but someone mixed all the toppings up! Don’t try to separate them or you’ll burn your hands in the cheese. Let the toppings magically figure out how to migrate to their own side of the pizza before you get involved.

Iran: Pesto Chicken Pizza

You’re allergic to chicken, but that green pesto sauce is amazing! Sooner or later, the pesto’s gonna overpower even the chicken. By then, I’m not sure you want to eat this pizza (or that this pizza wants to be eaten by you).

Saudi Arabia: “One-Topping Large Pizza + 2 Litre Drink for Only $10.99” Deal

Go crazy! Keep ordering tankerfuls of this pizza for cheap until the place offering it is under new administration in maybe 50 years. By then it’s gonna be someone else’s problem.

The *-Stan Countries in Central Asia: Combo Pizza

It has a little bit of everything. Sausage here, pepperoni there, some olives, bit of tomatoes, maybe a few slices of onion. Great deal if you ask me. Too bad they’re only selling them to Russians.  

Yemen: Vegetarian Pizza 

It has a lot goin’ on for it, but there’s no meat . Now you’re not a peace-loving, nature-worshipping Indian. You’re a MANLY American who lives off pepperoni and other meaty stuff. No true pizza-lover will even budge if you throw this one in the dump.

Oman: Ibāḍī Pizza

Heck, even I don’t know what this one actually is, but it’s edible.

Kuwait: Coupons

You’re gonna need this one for the next pizza.

Iraq: Meat-lover’s Pizza

Not as good as the $10.99 Offer, because it will cost you much more. Not to worry! Go back to your coupons, they’ll help you purchase this one.

Afghanistan: Buffalo Chicken / Hot Wings

You’re at the pizza place with a needy chick and you’re spending her money. You bring her into the shop under the pretext of eating buffalo chicken (hot wings) but what you both really want is the meat-lover’s pizza. Eat the buffalo chicken. Tell her that the chicken was atrocious and a meat-lover’s pizza would wash down the burning hot sensation left in your mouths, then, empty her wallet on that idea!

Afterwards you can both pretend you’re actually vegetarian.  

Pakistan: Hot Sauce

But you lied! The chicken wasn’t the problem; it was the giant drum of hot sauce that messed up your taste buds. But it’s too late. Good luck gettin’ that out of your backside.

The Rest of ‘em (Chad, Senegal, Niger etc…): 24 Inch Party Pizza With Just Cheese

Herman, we both know this cheap and tasteless pizza is for liberal college kids with posters of Che on their dorm room walls and Chomskyan ideas hammered into their brains by their Commie professors.

Avoid.

(Hat tips to Ali Gharib for the idea and Karim Sadjadpour for the inspiration.)