Syria Breaking: Alien World Steps In...Since This One Refuses To (The Onion)

The satirical newspaper The Onion interrupts EA's normal coverage with this exclusive:

Frustrated by "the astonishing incapacity of earthlings to halt the rampant slaughter of their own kind" in Syria, the emperor of Zarklom 12 announced Wednesday he had no choice but to dispatch his own intergalactic forces from 3 million light years away to end the senseless bloodshed.

From his floating palace within his gaseous planet's swirling clouds of blue-green ammonia, Supreme Emperor and Dynastic Overlord Thuu'l told reporters that while the human race appeared willing to sit idly by, the planet of Zarklom 12 could no longer turn a blind eye to the mounting casualties in the yearlong uprising against President Bashar al-Assad.

"We have monitored the ongoing violence in the region of your world known as Syria, and we find ourselves as disgusted by your reluctance to stop it as we are horrified by the deaths themselves," said Thuu'l, an oily, amoeba-like creature who held in his pseudopod a U.N. report indicating al-Assad's forces have killed more than 7,500 civilians. "It's unbearable to watch even from the far end of the Triangulum Galaxy, and yet you who dwell upon the same planet continue to tolerate it. How is that possible?"

"We understand your species is primitive, but surely even your simplistic, half-formed consciences recognize that this cannot be allowed," Thuu'l continued. "Regardless, we have no choice but to take matters into our own hands. Our stellar armada is already on its way. Please do not distract our vessels with your air defenses."

Clarifying his intentions, Thuu'l assured uneasy reporters the operation was not a wholesale invasion of Earth but a very narrow offensive aimed at dislodging the al-Assad family from power; liberating cities such as Homs, which has been shelled by tanks and rockets unremittingly for a month; and freeing thousands of Syrians—many of them children—who have been imprisoned and tortured purely for political reasons.

With these goals achieved, a mission the emperor said his infinitely superior military could complete in "less than 20 of your Earth minutes," the alien forces will reportedly withdraw to an unobtrusive distance of five parsecs to monitor peacekeeping efforts before finally returning to their home world.

"Understand that your tiny planet is of no strategic importance to us and that we are reluctantly interfering in human affairs only because your pathetic inaction has put us in this position," Thuu'l said. "Just this once we will take on this responsibility for you. Do not expect us to save you from yourselves again. From what we've seen, you don't deserve it."

"It defies all universal logic that the leading nations of your planet failed to agree on a simple resolution calling for an end to the violence in Syria," added the emperor, expressing bafflement at the human species' "obvious failure to morally evolve." "Why would you not sign such a document? Do you not want the violence to stop?"

When told intervention on the part of the world community would be fraught with political complications, the emperor shook his bulbous, reddening macronucleus and asked why Earth's civilization had not been sufficiently organized to prevent such basic, horrendous plights as the widespread mass murder of its own members.

"Humans should not be permitted to do these terrible things to other humans," Thuu'l said. "Surely you must understand that much. You are sentient beings, correct?"

When reached for comment, President al-Assad reiterated his denials of a brutal government crackdown and said he was prepared to die. At press time, with the U.N. continuing to urge Syria to allow the delivery of humanitarian aid, the sound of artillery had paused as 100,000 spacecraft filled the sky.