Saturday
Jul032010
World Cup Comedy: SoccerBall is a Socialist Sport (Thiessen)
Saturday, July 3, 2010 at 8:00 
Marc Thiessen --- one of the speechwriters in the George W. Bush Administration, who parlayed his loud defence of "enhanced interrogation" into a book and the position of Washington Post columnist --- tries his hand at a stand-up comedy routine on "soccer". (Actually, he sampled this from an even funnier piece posted on the right-wing American Thinker, but hey, the best comedians draw from each other.)I mean, he is joking, right?
World Cup Special: It’s Mourning in England (Matlin)
....The world is crazy for soccer, but most Americans don’t give a hoot about the sport. Why? Many years ago, my former White House colleague Bill McGurn pointed out to me the real reason soccer hasn’t caught on in the good old U.S.A. It’s simple, really: Soccer is a socialist sport.
Think about it. Soccer is the only sport in the world where you cannot use the one tool that distinguishes man from beast: opposable thumbs. “No hands” is a rule only a European statist could love. (In fact, with the web of high taxes and regulations that tie the hands of European entrepreneurs, “no hands” kind of describes their economic theories as well.)
Soccer is also the only sport in the world that has “hooligans”—proletarian mobs that trash private property whenever their team loses.
Soccer is collectivist. At this year’s World Cup, the French national team actually went on strike in the middle of the tournament on the eve of an elimination match. (Yes, capitalist sports have experienced labor disputes, but can you imagine a Major League Baseball team going on strike in the middle of the World Series?)
At the youth level, soccer teams don’t even keep score and everyone gets a participation trophy. Can you say, “From each according to his ability…”? (The fact that they do keep score later on is the only thing that prevents soccer from being a Communist sport.)
Capitalist sports are exciting—people often hit each other, sometimes even score. Soccer fans are excited by an egalitarian 0-0 tie. When soccer powerhouses Brazil and Portugal met recently at the World Cup, they played for 90 minutes—and combined got just eight shots on net (and zero goals). Contrast this with the most exciting sports moment last week, which came not at the World Cup, but at Wimbledon, when American John Isner won in a fifth-set victory that went 70-68. Yes, even tennis is more exciting than soccer. Like an overcast day in East Berlin, soccer is … boring.
And finally, have you seen the World Cup trophy? It looks like an Emmy Award (and everyone knows that Hollywood is socialist).
There are many more reasons soccer and socialism go hand in hand. You can read some of them here. Perhaps in the age of President Obama, soccer will finally catch on in America. But I suspect that socializing Americans’ taste in sports may be a tougher task than socializing our healthcare system.
Reader Comments (9)
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Wow! Not one, but TWO links to American Thinker in a single EA post! ;-)
Both pieces were very funny - thanks for posting. If C. Edmund Wright thinks soccer is boring to watch, maybe someone should have him sit down 5 days for a Cricket match!
John Cleese: soccer vs. football
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sD_8prYOxo" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sD_8prYOxo
I must say, it is almost as if Marc was attempting humor there... right?
It's really hard to tell with someone who wrote for Rumsfeld and Bush.
Cleese aside (whoops, forgot to log in), cricket, I must admit, is still befuddling for me to get, apart from the basics - though when they still carried the AZN channel, I'd love watching India vs. Pakistan one day matches.
I just wonder why soccer never took hold in South Asia.
Still doesn't beat Beck's rant (and really, what can?).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPpxvOAVx5M" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPpxvOAVx5M
But yeah, these were funnier because they were from purported intellectuals.
Kurt,
Thanks for posting that clip - I had never seen it. Cleese gives a good reposte with a lunge!
An amusing read.
Soccer is a very popular sport in the States. I'm a school bus driver and I've driven hundreds of kids to soccer games and soccer tournaments. It may not be a religion like it is in the rest of the world, but it is popular. I know stores that are dedicated to the needs of soccer players.
http://maps.google.com/maps/place?hl=en&rlz=1W1GGIT_en&um=1&ie=UTF-8&q=Washingtonville+Soccer+Shop&fb=1&gl=us&hq=Soccer+Shop&hnear=Washingtonville%2C+NY&cid=10808850980584511166" rel="nofollow">http://maps.google.com/maps/place?hl=en&rlz=1W1...
The name says it all...
Here's a quote I found in the latest issue of Time Magazine:
'Not many people know that the U.S. is the largest soccer market in the world, [with] 18 million active players and the biggest number of female players.' -- Erich Stamminger, Adidas
Time, Global 8, July 12, 2010
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